Zogs

As much as I might like to continue some noble, high-minded train of thought here (following my last post), I had to put up this picture of the dogs from Saturday. Poor little Lady (the beagle) had to go to the vet again that afternoon, and we found out she'd hurt her back (probably slipped on the ice) and that's why she'd been so out of it lately. So Karen our vet gave her a steroid shot and some painkillers, and by the time we got home, she was pooped. The other two (Lucy and Trixie) had been pining away for a couple hours for us, so when we got them all situated on the bed so we could go out shopping, Lady just sort of tipped over and landed on Lucy, who seemed surprisingly willing to let her butt be used as a pillow for the moment. Lady and Lucy occasionally still bare teeth at each other, mainly when they step on each other, so it's nice to see them all cuddle up together.

But I mean really, could she be any cuter? I mean, she's just the sweetest little thing. And once again, like the last time she got sick, she's got us actually WISHING she would start barking again. Sure enough, a couple days after she starts, we'll be asking "This is what we were wishing for?", but right now, I'd love her to feel good enough to start arf-ing again.

Speaking of the ice (look back a paragraph), the fucking permafrost here has yet to completely go away. I'm fairly certain that we have been covered in some degree of snow/ice since Thanksgiving. I can't confirm this, which is making me really annoyed (I hate when I find something you CAN'T do on the web), but I know it snowed Thanksgiving morning, and I don't really recall it melting much after that, and then we had that ridiculous amount of snow like a week later, and then some more the weekend I went to see U2, and it's been fucking cold as hell since then, so it's never really melted. In fact, the last time, it froze so hard overnight that my driveway still has icy speed bumps that I cannot get rid of. And then we had that freakish ice/sleet storm last Friday. I think that's the ice Lady slipped on--our whole back driveway is still iced over. I mean, it's just ridiculous! What's the point of global warming if we're going to have MORE snow than ever? I guess this is the point where I really become an adult, where I stop wishing it would snow and finally start grumbling about it. I remember always thinking we never had enough snow when I was a kid. I mean, I would have KILLED for that blizzard from last year to happen when I was young enough to build forts and have fun with it. But now it's just a major pain in the ass. And it doesn't make picking up the dogs' poo any easier, which is why we haven't done it in 3 weeks or so. But that's the great thing about being property owners--it's my damn yard. :)

This picture of Max is from his last day. I didn't intend to post it, but it happened to be in the folder from Diana's phone where I copied the others from, and when I saw it, I teared up (again). It's been over four months since we lost him, and while I do remember him every day, I don't stop and THINK about him as much as I used to, but when I do, the emotion is still right there. And seeing him in pictures really makes it hard, especially seeing those pictures from right at the end. He almost looks happy in this picture, but he was really uncomfortable and scared. His face is really distorted from the swelling, so he almost doesn't look like himself. I don't think at the moment (this was while we were in the waiting room) I really knew what was coming--I knew he was in bad shape, but I was still hoping Karen might have an idea that would buy us more time with him. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything she could do--not more than 30 minutes after this picture was taken, he was gone, lying there on the floor with Diana and I hugging him and crying like we've never cried before.

As painful as that day was, and as hard as it is to think about those moments, I'm glad I have that picture and the others from that day. It reminds me of how we were with him right till the end. What always killed me about losing my first dog McBarker was that I wasn't there. After 10 years of being his best friend, I was 3000 miles away when he needed me most, when he was hurt and scared, and it's haunted me to this day that I wasn't there. I wish Max could have had an easier time of it, and I don't relish what we went through, but I am glad I was with him and that we fought to give him those extra 4 months he got after the diabetes diagnosis, because I know he was happy more often than not. And whenever someone says they couldn't have been there in the room with him at that last moment, I just think how grateful I am that I was, how while it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, it's also the most gratifying to know that I gave him comfort and love right up till his last breath. The pain I felt as his head slumped to the floor was worth it, because we were there holding him, telling him we loved him, giving him the support he deserved. God, just typing this last paragraph has made me teary and given me a headache.

I really didn't intend to turn this post into a downer. But that picture had an effect. And besides, with the Daily Show in reruns for TWO WEEKS, I'm going to be pretty grumpy anyway. On the brighter side, have I mentioned how liberating it is to decide I really don't give a shit about Christmas this year? I mean, I'm still listening to music and bought some presents, but I feel like I lifted a weight off my shoulders by acknowledging that I really don't care about CHRISTmas, but rather the winter holiday season as a whole, and even that's lost a lot of its luster over the years. So all in all, I feel pretty free to just relax and laugh at the people who see this month as STRESSFUL. Really. It's funny.